Friday, August 12, 2011

I Don't Remember Much

i remember where each of my 34 "special" bottles of wine came from. i remember eating cinnamon toast every morning, and my lunches were always fixed. i remember racing bikes around the cul-de-sac for gumballs. i remember her birthdays; always such an affair. i remember how to make people mad. i remember the first time i met my dog. i remember the first time my dog met her. i remember the pain of my only tattoo, and every meaning borne within that no one but myself fully understands. i remember laying immobile in a papasan chair, unable to feel my own ass. i remember how a homerun first just meant hitting it over the fence, but later meant a shot over the house. i remember taco bell, in depth. i remember being near death, my sister laughing, and no bright lights to walk into. i remember helping him pee. i remember the surprise of seeing him standing at that old house, and my embarrassment that i was wearing his shirt. i remember that my parents were always--ALWAYS--there.
it's easy to remember the big things: my sister's wedding, travels to the bahamas, costa rica, graduations, jobs...those things are easy.
i remember watching her play softball. i love that. i remember the hamptons, and not for the pretentiousness. i remember the tears in his eyes and choke in his voice as he left. "i'm not your mom, i'm your friend," and she means it. watching her heil hitler while tasting wine. picking a bass pick up off the floor at a blind melon show. i remember sitting next to one attractive girl on a plane in all the times i've flown. telling a girl i loved her for the first time in my life. being invited to special, private schools.
meetings, breakups, births, deaths: they're all so easy.
i remember realizing i could do more than other people. "i don't think they're seeds. i think it's marijuana." i remember how to spell the word onion, and i remember learning to spell it. i remember enjoying a book instead of just reading it. i remember getting along with my sister instead of fighting with her. i remember sliding down a slip-and-slide in my front yard.
i remember breaking my foot. i remember crushing my pinky finger. i remember fracturing my elba-ma-bo. i remember breaking my nose. i remember breaking my nose. i remember breaking my nose. i remember voluntarily breaking my nose. i remember separating my shoulder. i don't remember every injury i've had, but i remember some of the better ones. i recall a minor concussion....
i remember driving down 395 and her saying "how can you still be looking? they're mountains; you've seen them," and questioning all that which i thought i knew. i remember seeing him as a baby. i remember that my first taste of beer was from a can, and that i haven't drank beer from a can in years, which is making me long for a Stroh's. i remember memorial days in the pool, listening to the race. i remember card shows, gun shows, and knife shows.
weddings, deaths, and graduations bring my family together.
i remember nosta laying her head across her lap, eyes closed, and thinking my future was sealed. i remember i'm wrong way more often than i'm right. i remember running away to the front porch for utterance of the word "damn." i remember fashionable mullets and lines in my hair. i remember that i've ridden my bike all throughout my life, not just recently. i love bikes. i remember meeting each newborn relative for the first time.
finishing a tri, finishing a century, finishing 5Ks: all easy memories.
i remember breaking the language barrier to find out volcanic ejecta DID make that crater. finding out vegetable oil was a contaminant. i remember watching my cat die for reasons i couldn't comprehend, and deciding to euthanize her just before she slipped away. i remember rascal, dorito, and izod. i wonder why i absentmindedly follow pop culture.
i remember caring more at some point, but i forget when i stopped caring so much. i remember thinking everything will work out as it should, 'cause i still kinda do. (it's really impossible to argue against.) i remember thinking "majoring in business or finance would be so damn easy," then majoring in geology instead. i remember the precise moment i stopped feeling my one-time regret: getting my degree in geology.
i remember who i am, and many of the defining events that made me me. this is not exhaustive; it's instantaneous. i've made cognizant omissions. i may add to it. i may, as i'd consider typical, forget about it. perhaps the need is fulfilled. memories are there, perhaps forever. it's interesting what pulls them out, what reminds a person of an event, or those things that are just built into our minds and will never escape. the conscious mind, the unconscious mind, and the mind that's there and no one remembers. it's my forgotten mind i wish i could tap. 

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